For whatever reason, it can be so difficult to ask for help, even if it’s entirely warranted, even if you’ve gone through cancer, even if you’re currently going through treatment. Maybe it’s something about independence or maybe it’s just not being used to asking for help because we rarely do it. You may think, shouldn’t they know that if I’m going through something difficult that I will need help?
No, people are not mind readers, so they won’t know. And it would be more difficult for people to pick up on clues that you need help, if you’re not open about what you are going through. When a person is going through something challenging like cancer treatment, recently getting a cancer diagnosis or finding a sense of normalcy after treatment, our emotional states can change very quickly. It can change quicker than it did before cancer because life is unstable, so we feel unstable.
So, when we need help, we have to ask for it and it’s better to ask for an early on than wait until you’re in the red zone. I mean that there is a red, yellow and green zone; green is when you’re fine; yellow is when you’re headed towards the meltdown; and red is full-on meltdown.
For Thanksgiving, I was headed to my mom’s house an hour away. I was bringing some chairs and other items to store at my mom’s and in order to get them in my car, by myself, it would take 4-5 trips to the car, using a flight of stairs, go through two heavy self-closing doors and leaving my car parked out in front of my apartment building with the hazard lights on. I was already on edge, for whatever reason that day, which means I was in the yellow zone and the thought of having to do pack up the car, then driving one hour felt overwhelming. So, I sent my mom and brother this text:
I’m feeling very anxious and worried today. I need some support.
Mom, I’ll get to your house after I have lunch around 230 or three. I have the two chairs and the two small drums and some books to leave at your house. If you guys can help me bring it in that would be great.
When I arrived, I went straight to my mom’s bed to rest and when my brother arrived later, he was already expecting to help me unload. And my mom already knew what emotional state I was in, so I didn’t have to explain it.
Sometimes just having the script to communicate what we need, so we don’t have to think about it, makes dealing with everything else much easier. Four other examples include:
1. “Could you check up on me?” Some people don’t know that you want that, some might assume that you’re OK.
2. “I’m feeling emotional and I don’t know why.” This allows the person to be more compassionate and to be better able to receive you. If you call and they don’t answer, but you really need to talk, you could send this message to let them know it’s urgent. You might just need to talk out your thoughts and cry. There’s healing in the act of crying while being witnessed by someone who cares for you and whom you trust. There is something therapeutic in someone simply holding space for you, listening and empathizing.
3. “I don’t feel like talking about that. I just went through it and retelling it means reliving it.”
4. “What I need right now is someone to listen, instead of give advice.” People tend to want to help by giving suggestions or action steps, but if you recognize what you’re looking for and communicate it, they’ll do what you ask.
5. “I’m stuck on a decision and I don’t know which way to go. I need to talk it out.” This takes away pressure from the person feeling like they need to solve your problem and it shifts the focus on the two of your having an open dialogue. Removing expectations can lighten the load in the moment and allow for better brainstorming.
6. “I’m on a _______ diet / new diet where I eat less of x, y and z and more of a, b and c. Could you help me stay on track? Steer me towards those choices when I start to go back to my old way of eating?” Your new way of eating is probably healthier than their current diet. I remember feeling like a burden to have dietary restrictions and when someone asked if I had any, I felt uncomfortable saying so. But it is more common than not, for people to realize that you have switched to a different diet, and it’s not a big deal for them to cater to it. And if it is a big deal for them, do you really want that kind of person in your life? I’ve also noticed that overtime, people will learn the importance of diet and will make the change for their own personal reasons anyway. You’re being a good influence.
7. “I’ve been wanting to see that new movie / visit the new exhibit, will you take me?” Remember to incorporate something to look forward to. We do enough work (and it is work) to think about what’s going to happen next medically, to schedule appointment, communicate with doctors’ offices about scans, blood draws, handle insurance claims. We need to take time to enjoy what the French call “les petits riens” which means “the little nothings”; a piece of dark chocolate; the new almond flour crackers for an afternoon snack, or just getting to cozy up to read a leisurely book with a heating pad.
Asking for help doesn’t have to be as hard as we make it. We may feel like a burden, we may feel our needs are too complicated … One way to shift our perspective is to realize that the people who love us truly do want to help. It makes them feel good to do it.